So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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