If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
