i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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