Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
