Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
