I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
