I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
