im drinking this country out of the recession.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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