so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
