If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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