I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
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