Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
