Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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