where am i from again
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
