I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
