bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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