Your face is a jimmy john
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
