Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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