This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
