His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
