i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
