Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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