I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
