Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I won the penis lottery.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
