Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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