She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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