ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
