I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
