you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
