I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
