you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
