so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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