i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
