Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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