Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
