she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
