every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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