i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
