Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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