help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
