I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
