On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
