My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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