i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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