so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
