it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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