Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
where does the pee come out of this thing
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
