On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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