don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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