My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
