Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
