I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
